Treading the Blue Skies Ahead

The beginning of the year always brings me to contemplation. Look back in order to look forward.  2010 has brought many changes to our family.  The mark of a new decade, a new phase in our lives, with some transitions, more welcomed than others.  A promising new job for the hubby, a new (and roomier) home, a new school for the kiddo and a (much anticipated) little pea in the pod.  

We miss our old home, our friends, the ocean, the vineyards, The Bay.  But the 831-mile change has enabled me to  trade-in the paycheck for little hugs and kisses (and yes, the usual tantrum).  This year I was able to make her little trinkets, bake for her, volunteer in school, watch her bloom.  All definitely worth the budget adjustment.

2 years ago, stressed from work and feeling a long standing guilt for leaving our pride & joy to the local kid center (10hrs/day, 5days/wk), I found myself thinking on what was important to me and our family, and that was how Epiphany came to be.  This new year,  with all its changes, my values still hold true.  Our family will be treading the blue skies ahead with 2o1o in the rearview.

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Epiphany
November 20, 2008


For sometime now I have had a sinking feeling which I have found to be quite elusive to pin down. Thoughts that have left me silent in a crowded room, bewildered in the unknown. Sometimes a numbing darkness leaving me in disarray, involuntarily leading me back to my past, flash-backs of memories long forgotten. Of disappointments and insecurities, resentment and loss. Of desultory successes and fustian achievements.

Who am I? Who have I become? Who do I want to be? Did I make the right choices? Or am I simply stumbling along in Life?

Epiphany. This came to me through the radio, on my way home from work:

“When I look at my gorilla-heavy resume, when I see all three of my kids laughing, when I think about how much less my life would have been if I had settled for what I thought I wanted, I realize I don't much care about the sensible things I once did. It's the ridiculous I love.” Life Is Wonderfully Ridiculous, by Claude Knobler

Humanity has lost it's core in a celebrity-laden society where one's success is equated by fame and monetary gain. We are all but jugglers and trapeze artists, tight-rope walkers and lion tamers in this never ending circus tirade to astound an imaginary audience. And ultimately, we are but fools that clown around into fooling our own selves. We are a success driven society, ever hungry for applause and acclaim. And those who do not participate are booed off to the Freak Show. If this means that what is Sensible is to be the Greatest Show On Earth, here is where I choose to be a Freak. No more tricks, no more masks and off with those fancy hats.

I have come to realize that my obsession with success is, at it's purest form, fueled by a need for acceptance. It was, in my case, a constant need to prove my worth, perhaps in an attempt to fill a black hole of insecurities. And when failure arises, I will be the first one to throw a tomato at myself. I am my own worst critic. It finally dawned on me that people do not expect from me as much as I do of myself. I can simply just be! All I need is self-acceptance to attain fulfillment. Everything else will follow.

With this I quote Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture:

"I probably got more from that dream by not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish."

And now that I am a mother, not only would I hurt myself should I continue on with this fixation, but even more so, I hurt my unassuming daughter. I recall a documentary in BBC, Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives, which particularly opened my eyes to this truth:

"Mark (began) to understand why he was so estranged from his father. And it is all to do with scientificegos. "My father never, ever said anything to me about his theories. I was in the same house with him for at least 18 years but he was a total stranger to me. "He was in his own parallel universe. He was a physical presence, like the furniture, sitting there jotting down crazy notations at the dining room table night after night. I think he was deeply disappointed that he knew he was a genius but the rest of the world didn't know it." The Rock Star and the Quantum Mechanic, Mark Oliver Everett's quest to know his father.

U will never grow up not knowing her mother, for she will never be sacrificed. She will see me live a life void of false pretenses or shame. She will never have to prove her worth for she already deems herself worthy.

The people whom I have come to know, relationships both lasting and brief, experiences both good and bad are what make up who I am today. They are, unbeknownst to them, my mentors. They molded and shaped me, ground and buffed me, added layers and frills or exposed me bare. I was taught to be vulnerable yet strong, compromising and unrelenting. And though the refinement is far from over, I am quite pleased with the results thus far. To all of you who have been part of my life, most especially my parents & spouse, I thank you with every being of my soul. Know that the lessons will be passed on. For it is not in what you take but in what you give that is lasting.

This is not to say that I have abandoned the desire to succeed, but my objectives are now re-funneled to a much higher purpose. For success is not in what I make of myself, but it is who I make of myself which shapes my child's being that is. 

Cats in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talking before I knew it and as he grew

He said, "I’m gonna be like you, Dad,

You know I’m gonna be like you"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin home, dad, I dont know when,

But we'll get together then, Son,

You know we'll have a good time then.

I’ve long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day.

I said "I'd like to see you if you don’t mind"

He said "I'd love to Dad, if I could find the time.

You see my new jobs a hassle, and the kids have the flu.

But It's sure nice talking to you, Dad,

It's been sure nice talking to you."

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me,

My boy was just like me.

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,

But we'll get together then, Dad,

You know we'll have a good time then.

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